I Kinda Fell Down

I know.  It's been awhile.  I suppose you could say I fell off the wagon.  I know that's a term used for addictions but food is an addiction as well.  I get so jealous of those people that can eat the entire kitchen yet look like a stick, while I even think about a cookie and I gain like 5 lbs.  NOT FAIR!!!!

It is a constant struggle to stay on track.  And if I'm honest, there are times I don't even want to stay on track.  It's so exhausting and with everything else I have to be responsible for, it often takes a back seat.

But that isn't a good thing.  Taking care of myself should be right at the top of the list.  Yet sometimes I feel like it just doesn't matter.  Why should I care about myself?  Why should I be so selfish?  Because I never care about myself and I'm never selfish.  I am a giver.  I never want someone else to feel the way I grew up feeling.  That no one cared and that I could drop off the face of the earth and no one would noticed.  Yes I even tried to make that a reality.

Here is the thing. It's not about everyone else.  It's about me and how I see myself.  Other people see value in me, but I have a VERY hard time seeing it.  I'm nothing special.  I'm just plain old Kimmy.  Loyal, loving, giving, hard working, reliable.  Hokie petes, I'm a dog.  Kidding.  

So here I am, picking myself up, starting again.  It will never be easy.  I know that.  I will just keep plugging away.

Update on my progress.  22 lbs down.  And my body still isn't happy about all the exercise I put it through or the limited amounts of food.  It might as well get used to it.  It's going to be a normal thing for awhile.

Oh What A Struggle!!!

Is it bad that I have no clue how long I've been on this journey?  The days and years just keep moving.  I wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed and start the process all over the next day.  The only way to truly make progress with changing your lifestyle is to plan.  Now if you know me at all, I am not a planner.  But I'm determined to succeed.  

So how am I doing it?  I plan a little bit but for the most part I just wing it, keeping track of all I eat and TRYING to keep on the straight and narrow.  I told you I was not going to deny myself.  And I'm not, but I'm being smarter about how much I put in my old pie hole.  Honestly I haven't done great the last week or so, but I am still doing OK.  

Now as for the workouts, let's just say I'm kicking up a notch.  I had to give up on running.  My knees were just not having it.  A sign of getting older.  Blah!!  But here is what I've been doing.  I've been doing 10-15 minutes on the elliptical, 3 cycles of 15 reps of 5 to 6 different weight machines, and finally 45 minutes on the treadmill at about a 3 and half mph speed.  

Now you might be wondering "How in the heck can you walk on a treadmill for 45 minutes?". Well here is my secret.  Laughter.  I LOVE to laugh! Stand up comics are some of my favorite entertainers.  Jeff Duhnam, Kathleen Madigan, Bill Cosby, Jimmy Kimmel and many others.  But my ultimate favorite is Gabriel Iglesius.  You might know him better as Fluffy.  Side note, super excited I get to see him live in 2 weeks.  Happy birthday to me.  But this is why I love Fluffy.  He is a fat guy.  At his heaviest, he was 445 lbs.  He has since lost 100 lbs.  Because if he didn't, he would be dead in 2 years.  Now I wasn't that heavy but was close to my heaviest and was on the same road.  He not only makes me laugh but is also an inspiration. 

So this is how I make 45 minutes on the treadmill.  I watch his comedy specials on my phone.  Now its not easy trying to NOT laugh out loud at the gym.  I suppose I could always say I have that disorder you see advertised on TV where people suddenly burst into laughter or tears at inappropriate times.  But I do have a smile on my face for that entire 45 minutes.  I'm sure many people are thinking "Boy she is really happy about being on the treadmill".  But let me tell you, the time goes by so quickly!!!  My average gym time is now well over an hour long.  Never saw that happening.  So friends, find something to make what you hate enjoyable or at least tolerable.  You will have great success.

Sometimes Women Are Just Dumb!

I'm not sure how long its been.  Like 2 and half weeks now, give or take.  The sad thing about my life is that I really have no concept of time.  Every day seems the same unless it's a weekend.  And really, at this point does it really even matter anymore.  Not really.  So you are probably wondering how things are going.

Well, its day to day.  Some days I do great.  Other days I'd like to sit down, eat a large sweet swine pizza, a bag of Lindor truffles and wash it down with a case of Mt. Dew.  I wish I could say I've come to love the gym.  The only thing I love is when I'm done.  But I have made progress.  I am now at a total loss of 12 lbs.  My soda consumption is down to 1 can a day.  Today at the gym I achieved major goal.  I did 10 minutes of interval training with running for 1 minute and walking for 2.  I made 6 minutes on the elliptical.

But now I just want to share my heart.  Last weekend I had the privilege of helping a friend out at a conference she organized.  It's called Compel.  If you ever get a chance to hear Jennifer Rothschild, jump on it.  She's hilarious, has a great story and speaks truth to women.

But here is what I learned from her.  As women, we are totally unfair to ourselves.  We are constantly comparing ourselves to other women and setting unrealistic and goals that are impossible to achieve.  WHY DO WE DO THAT???  Why are we constantly doubting ourselves?  Because Satan knows its how he can control us.  It's how he can get his slimy little claws in our hearts and minds and start questioning who we are and why we are the way we are.  LIES, PEOPLE!!!  IT'S NOTHING BUT LIES!!!!!  

So here is what I have for you.  Jennifer Rothschild has come up with this thing called being a gutsy girl.  Now what exactly is a gutsy girl.  Well I define it as someone who steps up and sees them self as God sees them.  How many of you can honestly say you look in the mirror and say, "God, you really have created a masterpiece."  Because that's what you are.  I have finally started seeing myself that way.  And it only took 39 years.  I'm a slow learner sometimes.

I will never be a super model.  I am not the girl in the booth on the other side of the room with her spike heals, long blond hair and perfect body(by society's standards anyway).  What I am is beautiful, smart, caring, witty, honest (to a fault sometimes) and loyal.  Now you might ask if I call myself beautiful why are you doing this weight loss thing.  Because beauty isn't on the outside.  Its whats on the inside.  But if I want to continue to share that with others I have to be alive.  I have to take care of this gift God has given me called life.  Really I'm just a caretaker for this body.  Its really God's and lets face it, I've dropped the ball when it comes to taking care of myself.  So really this is all for God's glory, because I can't do this without Him to lean on.  I'm human and weak.  I will fail.  But beating myself up about it will achieve nothing.  

I have found a t-shirt that pretty much says it perfectly how I'm feeling about myself right now.

 

If you can't read what it says, it states, "Be Your Own Kind of Amazing because Something beautiful is on the horizon."  There is so much truth in that.  We are all individuals and we need to embrace that.  Stop comparing yourself to someone else.

Now with that comes the Gutsy Girl Declarations.  It goes as follows:

I CAN:

Elevate my faith more highly then fear.  2 Timothy 1:7

Do all things through Christ's strength.  Philippians 4:13

Overcome through faith.  1 John 5:4

I AM:

God's workmanship.  Ephesians 2:10

More than a conqueror.  Romans 8:37

Wonderfully made.  Psalm 139:14; 45:11

I WILL:

Trust God more than my feelings.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Rest in God and not be shaken.  Psalm 62:5-7

Never quit.  James 1:12, Hebrews 10:39

So are you going to chose to be a gutsy girl and live your life as God would want you to or are you going to let society control you?

One Week Down

Week one is officially finished.  Now I would LOVE to tell you it went smooth.  That it was a wonderful and easy to do.  Sadly that would be lying to the point of damning myself to eternal hell.  But I have achieved some good progress and reached some goals.

1) I have achieved the ability to last 15 minutes on the tread mill with almost 10 of those being interval cardio.  For those who aren't sure what that is, I run for 30 seconds and then walk for 90.  And I don't go into cardiac arrest which is always a good thing.

2) I have managed to last 5 minutes on the elliptical.  If you have read some of my other posts, you will know that I LOATHE this machine.  It is the thorne in my existence.  So this is huge!!

3) I went to the gym today and I kind of lost track of time.  I was so into it that an hour had gone by.  I honestly wasn't done with my workout.  There were a few more exercises I wanted to do but thought I'd better get home or mom will think I died at the gym.

And last but not least:

4) I have lost 7 lbs. since the last time I weighed myself.  PROGRESS!!

But the best thing about the week happened this week.  In fact it was today at the gym.  I had almost skipped going because it was soooo cold out and I just wanted to stay where it was warm.  But I forced myself to go.  I was a little over half way through my workout when I noticed this young man come in and start walking on the treadmill not far from me.  He was maybe a little younger then me.  It was as he got on the treadmill I noticed that he was missing a leg.  He had a prosthetic.  As I continued my workout, I couldn't help but watch him as he did his workout.  I was humbled and inspired.  Here I am, whining about how hard exercising is for me when he has even a bigger challenge to working out.  Enough feeling sorry for myself.  Suck it up and do what you need to do.

God knew I needed to see that man today.  I needed the kick in the butt.  It always amazes me how He always knows what we need when we need it.

Day 2 and still alive and somewhat sane

I'm 2 days into this new attempt at improving my health.  What have I learned so far?  Well my access card to the gym still works so they haven't given up on me.  Of course the fact that I still pay them my monthly fees despite not being there in 2 years probably helps.  If your wondering how my first trip to the gym went, here is how it was.  

I attempted to complete day one of C25K app. on my phone.  So the 5 minute walk warm up was a breeze.  It was the jogging for 60 seconds is where things started to go down hill.  My legs refused to run longer then 20-30 seconds so I just walked after that.  After another 5 minutes I realized that I was not ready for jogging yet.  So I walked at a good pace for another 10 minutes.  Amazingly my heart rate never went past 140 so I seem to have a pretty strong heart.  I moved on to some weight machines and it felt sooooo good to lift weights again.  I've always enjoyed weight training and other then I couldn't do the same amount of weight as before, it was like riding a bike.  Another bit of cardio on the machine from hell, aka the elliptical, I had completed a 45 minute workout and it felt really good.

Eating is a challenge because I like convenience foods but I'm making a serious attempt at eating better and making good choices.  My biggest hindrance so far is this wonderful yellow beverage called Mt. Dew.  My original goal was to cut out pop completely.  Hello, unrealistic goal!!!  But I have cut down significantly and find the 12-oz. bottles are actually helping.  It lasts longer than a can because I can put a lid on and keep the carbonation.  Nothing worse then flat pop.

One day at a time.  That is all I can do.  Thank you for all the encouragement.  You have no idea how much it means to me to know how many people I have rooting for my success.  You guys ROCK!!!!!

Number who knows of how many attempts at getting healthy

Well it's that time of year again, when we (and you know you are one of these people) that make goals and resolutions to really make changes in your life.  Why do we do this to ourselves over and over again???  It would be so much easier to just give up and accept ourselves as we are.

Truth is I wish that was an option.  When you come from a family where it's quicker to say what isn't wrong with you than what is, you have to face the hard truth.  If you don't do something, you are not going to live to an old age.  And lets face it, I have way too many people to pour my sarcasm on yet to die young.

Honestly, I'm just tired of not feeling well and being in some kind of pain constantly.  I seriously doubt there is anyone who enjoys it and if you do, well you have bigger problems than I do.  So I'm in countdown mode.  T-minus 7 days till Operations New Me starts again.  I've got alot of work to do before then.

For those of you who follow me (I can't figure out why you do), I have a job for you.  I am going to use this blog as a form of accountability.  That's right. I plan on scheduling a time during the week to record how things are going. So if you see I haven't written for awhile or just want to know how I'm doing, it is your job to pester me.  I'll be honest.  The response won't always be positive.  I always say at work "I'm not here to make you feel good about yourself."  You won't get fluff from me but honesty and bluntness and truth.  It's who I am.

No one can do this for me.  I and I alone am responsible for my health.  I only pray God takes favor on me and gives me the strength to fight for myself, something I don't do very well. So January 1 the journey starts again.  Time to pick myself up, dust myself off and pick up where I left off.

Somewhere along the way....

Wow, has it really been over 6 months since I've written anything.  I must say I am in awe of the people who do this daily or heck even weekly.  Where do you people find the time and inspiration to keep it up?!?!?!  

Anyway, my whole purpose of this blog was to record my journey on finding the person God has created and figure out where I lost her on the way here.  God did not make me to abuse my body and treat it with disrespect.  I'm working on changing that but let's face it.  I live in a small town in Iowa in a community where change is very difficult to do and accept.  This requires me trying to change the way of thinking that has been inbred in me.  Its all I know.  Now its time to fix it because lets face it, it is a flawed way of thinking.

I strive to live a healthy life.  I want to get off alot of my medications and just feel better about myself.  I have done little in the last few months to give me any reason to be proud of myself.  That is until the last few weeks.  I came down with nasty sinus infections this winter which pretty much put a stop to my regular exercise.  After that came the busyness of work, taking care of a home, and a mother.  These are not excuses, but just reasons.  Well enough was enough.  I still had some sessions left with my personal trainer and it was time to get back into it.  I tell you no lies when I say it was harder to get started this time then it was when I started this whole adventure in general.

So I am back working out, doing exercises that leave my legs very stiff and soar and almost needing my mom to put my shoes on.  But I do feel better.  Am I as disciplined as I was??  Not even close but God is faithful and He hasn't left me and has put people in my life that are a constant encouragement.  Just this week, I had just finished working out with my trainer and was on the verge of total colapse and pretty sure I was going to die soon, when this older gentleman at the gym, he must have been 60 or close and probably was in better shape then I have ever been, says to me "You keep working out.  You are such an inspiration to see you working so hard.  It makes me want to."  At which my trainer says "She really is an inspiration.  She works so hard."  It almost brought tears to my eyes.  Between that and my manager has been so awesome about pushing me and encouraging me with this that I just can't give up.  Not to mention that now my sister is on board and really trying to be healthier.  

So the battle is on again and some days I tire of it but it is my life and a life that God has brought me to for my own good.  It is His way of helping me battle for my freedom of the chains that hold me in bondage.